It’s 2012, and I couldn’t be happier that 2011 is over. It’s been a long ride, and I’m still working on depression issues. I think the above picture sums up what I’ve been doing with myself: maintenance. Lots of maintenance.

I do have some fun modeling from this past year. What about art? . . . → Read More: Reformatting. . .]]>

It’s 2012, and I couldn’t be happier that 2011 is over. It’s been a long ride, and I’m still working on depression issues. I think the above picture sums up what I’ve been doing with myself: maintenance. Lots of maintenance.

I do have some fun modeling from this past year. What about art? … Not particularly. Dark fashion? I can take loads of new pictures thanks to shopping! Nerdiness? That’s always here.

I’ll be posting soon! I have some things to wrap up before my semester begins this next week, so I may not post again until Thursday or so. See you all soon!

~Mina

I am sharing this with you because I hope it may help you. This isn’t a fun subject, nor may it be an easy post to read. I take it seriously, it is very personal. If anything I say can help someone else, though, I’m glad.

If you have wondering where I’ve . . . → Read More: The Depression Files: A serious note on personal matters, and maybe a way to help others.]]> Hello again.

I am sharing this with you because I hope it may help you. This isn’t a fun subject, nor may it be an easy post to read. I take it seriously, it is very personal. If anything I say can help someone else, though, I’m glad.

If you have wondering where I’ve been, it isn’t just school. I have been spending the past two and a half weeks attempting to keep my head above water. My mindset shifted at the end of February and I’ve been fighting to keep myself in classes and from diving off the depression cliff ever since. Last week was the worst of it: I had to skip two days of school and ultimately assigned myself a new therapist at Kaiser by demanding I get in to see someone the same day. My anxiety has been at tolerable levels for the most part, otherwise. I can function, but I am exhausted at the end of the day. I am unable to put much time into homework outside of classes, but I am able push myself through a day and distract myself with friends. I still socialize. Socializing actually helps—it’s a huge distraction and keeps me smiling, running happy-chemicals through my body when it doesn’t think I should have any. I am naturally an extroverted person (with introverted tendencies—I love being at home), which means that while I may be feeling awful on the inside, I am still laughing and joking. I only push it aside—it doesn’t go away. But, it is better than crying in bed.

I communicate with my teachers and explain what is going on, but unfortunately these are the times that really make my grades and school progress suffer (thereby perpetuating some of my personal issues).

I have manageable depression and anxiety. This means that I do have my episodes, but I am well educated in how to handle them. This does not mean that I am at any point less volatile. When I have my hours-long anxiety attacks, I have trouble breathing and I shut down. I hyperventilate and curl into a ball, as all my muscles lock up. It is a very physical, troubling experience. The mental angle of it is no less enjoyable. When I have an anxiety attack, I also am feeling very negative emotions, generally about myself. Sometimes, I have lesser episodes, where my breathing becomes labored and I am simply unable to do much.

Now, I am exercising. I do have a love of sugary foods, but I don’t eat them in total excess. I tend to eat them more when I feel that I deserve some sort of relief from the way I feel.

I would also like to mention that this anxiety—if I think it over, I realize it is always there. It is no way to live. It is no way to function, especially with a busy lifestyle. I have said to my friends in the past year I would get medication, but for different reasons it never happened. I am determined now to make sure that this is properly treated. I am so tired of living without help.

What I have to offer today to anyone who deals with depression is this: you are not alone. Do not feel that you are out of reach; beyond help.

My Adaptive Methods

These are ways to keep one’s head above water and stay somewhat productive. I believe heavily in mind-over-matter, and it has made my otherwise crippling issues something I’ve managed without medication for years, and with medication, should help me (and maybe you) move forward. THIS IS NOT A CURE, NOR A WAY TO COPE. Be careful, please. These are ways I have found to have kept me cognizant, moving, and somewhat functional, but look—I’m getting help and medication because I can’t live this way and it’s continuously interfering with my success. These are tools, not a lifestyle. And, depression affects different people different ways.

1: Keep your obligations your number one priority and you will be much stronger. These are larger goals, promises to people you care about, responsibilities at school or work (telling yourself: I will get my homework done on time, or I will meet my deadline; don’t accept anything less, and you will eventually meet those goals).

Warning: You should NOT tie yourself to obligations in servitude: this brings about guilt and unneeded stress, which compound maladaptive thought patterns. What’s the difference? The healthy answer is letting go of the things you can’t do. Understand your limitations of the present and balance them.

2: Set small goals. Clean your personal space. Make something for yourself. Play a video game. Congratulate yourself when you are done and really grasp that sense of pride in your accomplishment. Tell yourself that it’s good to be happy about something you have done for yourself.

Warning: Don’t allow yourself to get caught up into escapist thinking of your projects. The moment you finish a small personal goal, step away from that kind of project. Go do something else you have to do, or visit a friend. I, for one, think addictive thinking is easily exacerbated in these harder moments.

3: Keep hygienic. Bathe, brush your teeth, brush your hair. Shave. Wear clean clothes. Comfortable clothes are fine, but attempt to make yourself somewhat presentable, because you WILL go out in public. Keeping yourself at some standard helps keep negative personal image at bay.

Warning: Don’t fall into spending too much time in hygiene to avoid leaving the house. Sounds silly, but I’ve looked for any reason to not deal with the world, and I’m sure others have too.

4: Go outside. Make plans with friends. Keep people around you as often as possible. Bring them into your home. Try to smile. Try to be social; minimal effort is all that’s needed and it should catch on. The less you are alone, the less you dive into those dark, lonely places.

Warning 1: Don’t drink. Don’t do drugs. It will make it worse, I promise.

Warning 2: Do your best to not be negative 100% of the time. It is *hard* to not think that way when you’re in this mode, but I know not everyone is blessed with close relationships with understanding people. Obviously, you want better friends if yours are not willing to work with you through these times, but work with what you got at present.

5: Talk about it. Find a therapist: there are free options available if you so need them (as a student, all colleges have emotional counseling centers and I used that system for a year). Tell your friends and your family. Telling someone about your inner struggles will help you reach others, and they will in turn reach out to you. The ones who love you (and trust me, you are well loved) want you to be happy, healthy, and functional. It troubles them when you stumble, and they will do what they can to support you, if they know you need it.

Warning: Therapy is still considered a joke in some families, and among certain people in our population. It does not make your problems or feelings any less valid or real. Find people who will listen.

6: If you are feeling suicidal, tell someone. Your life is valuable. You are important, and have something to add to the world. Don’t give in to that scam of ending life—people will miss you, you will be mourned, and your presence and potential will be lost forever.

7: Exercise and eat well. Your symptoms can be regulated and may be much less intense if you take care of these two things. I do not think that exercising or eating well will completely cure many cases of depression—although in some cases, it may be.

8: Place yourself first. Stay away from or end unhealthy relationships and build that support network that you will need with people you trust who care about you.

9: Know yourself. I think this may be self explanatory. Know your limitations, know your strengths and weaknesses. You can push through great struggles if you know yourself.

10: Give yourself a break. Sometimes, you need “you” time. I think the warning here is self-explanatory; don’t lose yourself in your break time, and ignore your responsibilities. Responsibilities are always there; they are a part of life. How you choose to approach them is how you move forward.

When the time comes, I’ll continue writing about this. Good night, lovelies.

By far my favorite of the whole series.

As I leave to study for my Japanese midterm tonight, I’d like to say, think healthy, not skinny. Healthy lifestyles will get you to the weight you need to be, not the weight society expects you to be.

Keep your heads high, lovelies.

. . . → Read More: Healthy.]]> (Click the link for image source)

As I leave to study for my Japanese midterm tonight, I’d like to say, think healthy, not skinny. Healthy lifestyles will get you to the weight you need to be, not the weight society expects you to be.

Keep your heads high, lovelies.

~Mina

They are now resting happily on my desk.

This is what I dressed . . . → Read More: Six months later…]]> My boyfriend and I have been together six months. We celebrated by going to an amazing restaurant called the Vegetarian House here in San Jose, and it was lovely. He surprised me with these flowers.

They are now resting happily on my desk.

This is what I dressed in for our date. Most of the brands I am wearing in this photo are unknown or Forever 21. The outer top is from a goth swap, the jacket from a traveling boutique that stops on campus, and I have had the skirt for years. Legwarmers were necessary!

I know all of these clothes!
Top: Sears
Bodice: ?? I’ve had it since high school
Skirt: Metamorphose, bought from friend
Socks: Forever 21
Boots: Forever 21

Minor distortion with the camera—I am not this short.

Make Up Station:

Natural browns and beiges were used on my eyes, with Clinique black eye liner and mascara. I lightly dabbed on MAC’s Ruby Woo lipstick and finished the look off with concealer and Studio Fix.

Non-sequitor: this hand painted glass jar was a gift to me from my mother. It’s got character, don’t you think?

A big thanks to Rachel for taking pictures of me today! <3

That’s all for now, lovelies.

~Mina

Hello everyone. Would you like to know what the above photo is? Did you guess? It’s my courtyard, soaked in rain. Magical rain. Our poor area has been pleasantly hot and comfortable for us mammals, but dry and unnaturally warm for the surrounding plant life and geology (water = good). This past week, . . . → Read More: Dark days.]]>

Hello everyone. Would you like to know what the above photo is? Did you guess? It’s my courtyard, soaked in rain. Magical rain. Our poor area has been pleasantly hot and comfortable for us mammals, but dry and unnaturally warm for the surrounding plant life and geology (water = good). This past week, I realized how little clean laundry I had left. Rain+my wardrobe in the wash means… I don’t go out, and I look like this.

Hot. PJs and old HS hoodies in front of torn-up beds. My apartment currently looks like this, however, so perhaps you’ll understand:

Clothes everywhere, thanks to the industrial dryers at my complex not being so industrial.

In other news, cats and candle holders.

This last photo is more for me than anyone else. I have been needing a coat rack for God knows how long, and I bought one. Then, I had no power drill to install it with. Several weekends ago, a power drill was blessed unto my house, and lo, a coat rack was born. My guests now have a place to put their shoes (not pictured) and a place to hang their coats.

FBFF Questions for 2.11 – Color Wars 1. What color dominates your closet?

Black, mostly. Surprised?

2. If money weren’t an issue how would you change the color emphasis in your closet?

I’d have more sumptuous jewel tones, ghostly whites, . . . → Read More: Fashion Beauty Friend Friday]]> I joined this blog group upon finding it through CorpGoth. Courtesy of ModlyChic.

FBFF Questions for 2.11 – Color Wars
1. What color dominates your closet?

Black, mostly. Surprised?

2. If money weren’t an issue how would you change the color emphasis
in your closet?

I’d have more sumptuous jewel tones, ghostly whites, and I’d put together a proper sepia-inspired earth tone ensemble. I love my dark wardrobe, but there are ways to imply dark fashion without dripping black. Not that I don’t enjoy that. I love crazy socks and deep reds, so I’d probably start there.

3. What is your mantra about mixing colors?

If it looks good, then I do it. However, I mostly work with neutrals and black, so mixing color doesn’t come up much. I would also like to think that I have enough design sense to mix colors that do well together.

4. For you, how do you incorporate color into your outfits?

It depends. I am not very conscious about my color decisions—I put something on, see if it looks decent, and go from there. It’s slapdash, but so far I have come up with some pretty cute outfits. I am not a professional stylist by any means. It’s all practice.

5. Which blogger(s) do you think do a good job of incorporating color
into their wardrobe?

Gala Darling, Sally McGraw. As I’m still kinda new to the whole blogging thing, these are two blogs I consistently go back to and enjoy seeing how they coordinate colorful outfits.

Now, does anyone have . . . → Read More: Snapshot Ninja and Deathproof Make-up’s Photo Event]]> Two of my good friends and professional contacts held a photo event at the Fairmont Hotel in downtown San Jose on January 30th, and I was lucky enough to attend and model. Annalisa sent me the photos last week, and here are three of my favorites.

Now, does anyone have any questions about modeling, or my process? It’s a realm in which I am still learning as it’s a secondary career goal, and I don’t have as much insight—hence why I tend to only post photos and don’t talk much about it. I freelance or I do trades with friends to bolster my portfolio and experience.