Hello again.
I am sharing this with you because I hope it may help you. This isn’t a fun subject, nor may it be an easy post to read. I take it seriously, it is very personal. If anything I say can help someone else, though, I’m glad.
If you have wondering where I’ve been, it isn’t just school. I have been spending the past two and a half weeks attempting to keep my head above water. My mindset shifted at the end of February and I’ve been fighting to keep myself in classes and from diving off the depression cliff ever since. Last week was the worst of it: I had to skip two days of school and ultimately assigned myself a new therapist at Kaiser by demanding I get in to see someone the same day. My anxiety has been at tolerable levels for the most part, otherwise. I can function, but I am exhausted at the end of the day. I am unable to put much time into homework outside of classes, but I am able push myself through a day and distract myself with friends. I still socialize. Socializing actually helps—it’s a huge distraction and keeps me smiling, running happy-chemicals through my body when it doesn’t think I should have any. I am naturally an extroverted person (with introverted tendencies—I love being at home), which means that while I may be feeling awful on the inside, I am still laughing and joking. I only push it aside—it doesn’t go away. But, it is better than crying in bed.
I communicate with my teachers and explain what is going on, but unfortunately these are the times that really make my grades and school progress suffer (thereby perpetuating some of my personal issues).
I have manageable depression and anxiety. This means that I do have my episodes, but I am well educated in how to handle them. This does not mean that I am at any point less volatile. When I have my hours-long anxiety attacks, I have trouble breathing and I shut down. I hyperventilate and curl into a ball, as all my muscles lock up. It is a very physical, troubling experience. The mental angle of it is no less enjoyable. When I have an anxiety attack, I also am feeling very negative emotions, generally about myself. Sometimes, I have lesser episodes, where my breathing becomes labored and I am simply unable to do much.
Now, I am exercising. I do have a love of sugary foods, but I don’t eat them in total excess. I tend to eat them more when I feel that I deserve some sort of relief from the way I feel.
I would also like to mention that this anxiety—if I think it over, I realize it is always there. It is no way to live. It is no way to function, especially with a busy lifestyle. I have said to my friends in the past year I would get medication, but for different reasons it never happened. I am determined now to make sure that this is properly treated. I am so tired of living without help.
What I have to offer today to anyone who deals with depression is this: you are not alone. Do not feel that you are out of reach; beyond help.
My Adaptive Methods
These are ways to keep one’s head above water and stay somewhat productive. I believe heavily in mind-over-matter, and it has made my otherwise crippling issues something I’ve managed without medication for years, and with medication, should help me (and maybe you) move forward. THIS IS NOT A CURE, NOR A WAY TO COPE. Be careful, please. These are ways I have found to have kept me cognizant, moving, and somewhat functional, but look—I’m getting help and medication because I can’t live this way and it’s continuously interfering with my success. These are tools, not a lifestyle. And, depression affects different people different ways.
1: Keep your obligations your number one priority and you will be much stronger. These are larger goals, promises to people you care about, responsibilities at school or work (telling yourself: I will get my homework done on time, or I will meet my deadline; don’t accept anything less, and you will eventually meet those goals).
Warning: You should NOT tie yourself to obligations in servitude: this brings about guilt and unneeded stress, which compound maladaptive thought patterns. What’s the difference? The healthy answer is letting go of the things you can’t do. Understand your limitations of the present and balance them.
2: Set small goals. Clean your personal space. Make something for yourself. Play a video game. Congratulate yourself when you are done and really grasp that sense of pride in your accomplishment. Tell yourself that it’s good to be happy about something you have done for yourself.
Warning: Don’t allow yourself to get caught up into escapist thinking of your projects. The moment you finish a small personal goal, step away from that kind of project. Go do something else you have to do, or visit a friend. I, for one, think addictive thinking is easily exacerbated in these harder moments.
3: Keep hygienic. Bathe, brush your teeth, brush your hair. Shave. Wear clean clothes. Comfortable clothes are fine, but attempt to make yourself somewhat presentable, because you WILL go out in public. Keeping yourself at some standard helps keep negative personal image at bay.
Warning: Don’t fall into spending too much time in hygiene to avoid leaving the house. Sounds silly, but I’ve looked for any reason to not deal with the world, and I’m sure others have too.
4: Go outside. Make plans with friends. Keep people around you as often as possible. Bring them into your home. Try to smile. Try to be social; minimal effort is all that’s needed and it should catch on. The less you are alone, the less you dive into those dark, lonely places.
Warning 1: Don’t drink. Don’t do drugs. It will make it worse, I promise.
Warning 2: Do your best to not be negative 100% of the time. It is *hard* to not think that way when you’re in this mode, but I know not everyone is blessed with close relationships with understanding people. Obviously, you want better friends if yours are not willing to work with you through these times, but work with what you got at present.
5: Talk about it. Find a therapist: there are free options available if you so need them (as a student, all colleges have emotional counseling centers and I used that system for a year). Tell your friends and your family. Telling someone about your inner struggles will help you reach others, and they will in turn reach out to you. The ones who love you (and trust me, you are well loved) want you to be happy, healthy, and functional. It troubles them when you stumble, and they will do what they can to support you, if they know you need it.
Warning: Therapy is still considered a joke in some families, and among certain people in our population. It does not make your problems or feelings any less valid or real. Find people who will listen.
6: If you are feeling suicidal, tell someone. Your life is valuable. You are important, and have something to add to the world. Don’t give in to that scam of ending life—people will miss you, you will be mourned, and your presence and potential will be lost forever.
7: Exercise and eat well. Your symptoms can be regulated and may be much less intense if you take care of these two things. I do not think that exercising or eating well will completely cure many cases of depression—although in some cases, it may be.
8: Place yourself first. Stay away from or end unhealthy relationships and build that support network that you will need with people you trust who care about you.
9: Know yourself. I think this may be self explanatory. Know your limitations, know your strengths and weaknesses. You can push through great struggles if you know yourself.
10: Give yourself a break. Sometimes, you need “you” time. I think the warning here is self-explanatory; don’t lose yourself in your break time, and ignore your responsibilities. Responsibilities are always there; they are a part of life. How you choose to approach them is how you move forward.
When the time comes, I’ll continue writing about this. Good night, lovelies.
